Still drifting.

    I still feel like I am drifting. I have been at my sister-in-laws house for 1 week now. I have seen old pictures of my husband and even one of his mug shots. I was given one of his first baby toys, which was a stuffed mouse wearing a little yellow hat. That mouse is 48 years old. I was also told somethings about my husband that I did not know. 20 years ago my husband's first wife and his 8 year old daughter Heather was killed in a car accident. I never knew this because it brings up painful memories for my husband. I truly understand why he never told me and why he made a cover story about his first wife. My heart aches for him. I can't imagine the pain he has carried for all these years. Now I understand why he treats me as if I am a delicate egg. Now I understand why he is so protective over me. I love my husband I am just frustrated about him not working. I have done everything but get on my knees and beg him.
    I am the proud owner of a almost 3 year old blue nose pit bull. He is my second love after my husband. I refuse to give him up just to get a home. Right now I live in a tent with my dog and 2 cats. I take very good care of my fur babies. I keep hoping that someone will give us a chance to rent a place but after calling over 100 places I am always turned down because of my dogs breed. He is protective of me but he is a love bug who had a rough start in life before I got him. He has every reason to hate people but he does not all he wants is love. I know there has to be some where I can live that won't make me give up my dog.
    I sit here alone with so many feelings running thru me. Part of me wants to cry part of me is just so numb. I want my family to have a safe place. A place for my husband and I to grow old in. I don't want to be homeless forever. I dislike most people and at times I love how quite my home is. To lay in bed at night and hear nothing but frogs and crickets is bliss for me. I love to lay there and know that for that moment life is okay. I know you have to go thru the bad to get to the good. I have faith that we will find something soon.

Hanging in Florida.

    Today is a very new day for me. On last Monday I starting staying with my sister in law. That was my first time actually meeting her in person. I was staying with my ex-husband but after being lied to just to get me to come down I had enough. I suffered a stroke and things were just not going well at all for me. She nicely allowed me to come stay with her and her family. I have gotten to see old pictures of my husband and man did he look just as good as he does now.  I love my husband and I have gotten to see a part of him that i think he is scared to show. He still does not know where exactly I am but if I told him the truth I don't know how he would act if he knew I was with his sister. I am tired of telling all these lies. Hopefully I will be going home on the 15th and hopefully he is willing to change. I don't want to be homeless forever but without him working we will never go any where. What happens if I get pregnant? We need a home and that is all that there is to it.
    I am still sick and I still require a lot of help but I also need a husband that is willing to make sacrifices so we can have a better life. I have gotten to meet one of my husband's nephews and my sister in laws husband. I feel kind of weird around her husband but I tend to feel this way when I am in other's home and I can't give them money or pay for food. I feel so worthless sometimes. Now I know how my husband feel sometimes. Every time I leave him I learn something about myself and my relationship with him. I am 28 years old and often feel like I do not belong and that i am drifting aimlessly with no direction. The only thing I know for sure is I love my husband and our fur babies. Where do I belong?

Starting Over.

    After 3 years of being with my husband Carl, I found out he only married me because I asked him to not because he was in love with me and wanted to be with me for the rest of his days. I have been running for the past 3 years from my true heart. I was doing things that I thought would make other's in my life happy like my parents and my family. I have learned a hard lesson in life. The only person that is truly going to make you happy is yourself. Only you know what it is that is going to truly keep a smile on your lips. I found out that on the 5th of August my brother is moving to Mongolia. He will be there for 1 or more years depending on if he likes it or not. I give him credit he is going even though my mom and dad told him not to go. I guess it kind of has helped me do what I am doing now. I am currently on a Greyhound bus headed to Florida to my ex-husband. He is my soul mate and he completes me. He has never stopped being there for me and I really could care less at this point if my parents don't like him or how he lives. I love him and that is all that matters. I have spent the last 3 years trying to replace him and I know in my heart know one can love me like him. My ex knows how to love me and touch me.
    I lived in Pa for the last 3 years finding excuse after excuse as to why not to just admit I was wrong and tuck my tail and go home. One of my reasons was my friend who I viewed as a mother figure. She is much older that me and I guess I kind of always knew we were not the type of friends I thought we were. I was a friend of convenience. I would of done anything for this woman but she hurt me one to many times. With this and how my husband was treating me I decided to finally go home where I belong. I know it will take time for me to adjust but I am willing to take that time. I know I will have to find where I belong and what kinds of things I like to do but I will and that is all that matters.
    Starting over can be stressful but I am determined to stick it out and allow my ex to truly love me and allow myself to be loved. Not everyone has the guts to know when to back down and start over. I look forward to meeting all the new people and helping out at the local animal shelter.