Some people should not have kids.

    So as I sit here trying so hard to drown out the sounds of this house I am listening to Carrie Underwood's new song Blown Away. Last night was very rough for me. My 7 year old nephew got into some trouble and in my opinion his mom took it to far. Not only was she screaming at him but she threw a bottle of lotion very hard at him and hit him many times with some rolled up papers like you would a dog. At times I want to treat her the way she does my nephews and my brother. I want to make her cry like she does them. When and if I ever have a baby I will Never treat my kid like that. They are this age only once and they are children. They are allowed to make mistakes and to forget things like reading for 30 min or talking to their teacher. I do not think she enjoys being a mom and she feels more like she is trapped then enjoying seeing her kids grow and learn new things. She is from a different country and is here in America and as my mom says she is looking for the American dream. My brother and her have been together for 4 years and he loves her but she treats him like crap. There have been a few times in just the last few days that I have wanted to treat her the way she treats everyone else.
    I love my brother and when we were kids we always had each other's back. Then he got older and left home for the airforce. I missed him so much and apart of me was lost without him. It was not till recent that I really came to terms with this. I had buried the pain so deep but seeing him and coming to his home opened a old wound and I still have not told him how much him leaving me hurt. I know this is part of life and how things work but you would have to understand events that happened before he left.
    When I was in the 6th grade I was molested by my uncle who worked in the church. He used my belief in God and the current loss of my grandfather to get to me. It gradually built from rubbing to touching to beyond. This happened over a year period and at first I thought it was ok because he was comforting me in my time of pain from the death of my grandfather. But when it got to the point that he cornered me and did everything but penetrate me I said hey your my uncle this is not right. My parents where there for a little while for support but after a couple of months I felt all alone. When my brother found out he wanted to go that night an kick my uncle's ass. My brother has always supported me and protected me. After I was molested I lost all sense of who I was and where I belonged. Who I could trust and who was just there to hurt me eventually.
    I have since moved on to some degree and I am still kind of lost. When I was 18 my parents put me out and no matter what I said or did I was not welcomed in there home. I still am not welcomed and since then I have been fighting with homelessness. I don't want to live on the streets but I just can't seem to catch a break. Today is full 3 days I have been at my brothers and since I have been here there has been nothing but drama and screaming and yelling. How can people live like that?

Been awhile.

    So it has been quite some time since I last entered a post so I guess this is a good time to do so. I moved into my brother's home on May 1, 2012. I did this because after leaving his home back in January I have have been searching for a apartment that I can afford and that will take my 2 rescued pit bulls. I guess I should go back to events that have happened since I left my brother's in January. I got married on the 7th of January this is my second time being married. The first time I got married it was all for the wrong reasons and it ended with me having to walk away even thought it broke every part of my heart. To some degree my ex husband will always have a piece of it and I still talk to him. We were together for 7 years and married for 4 of those years. I married my current husband because I do love him but he is not really coming thru in the whole financially taking care of his family. We have no kids but have been trying for one but I think god says I am not ready for one. So for the past 4 months I have been trying to help him get a job and the only time he goes out to put in an application is when I tell him hey this place is hiring or call this number because they are looking for workers. At times I feel like I am his mom and not his wife. He does help me in other ways like when I am to sick to get out of bed he will go and do things for me. About 3 months ago we took in a pit/lab mixed female dog that we ended up naming Raven. She was badly abused and even shot with a bb gun. She is around 8-9 years old. We also have a male blue nose pit bull named Tyson who was used as a fighting dog and for breeding. We have had him for 7 months. Shortly after we got Tyson we adopted 2 kittens that are litter mates one is a male named Pippi and his sister is Elli May.
    My husband knows that I need his help and that in order for us to find a place that will take both dogs he has to have a job and be willing to help with the animals care. He does not buy anything for them everything comes out of my pocket. I was just diagnose with diabetic neuropathy and at time I can not walk due to the pain. 2 of the 4 meds I take to deal with the pain say I can not be in the sun for long periods. The sun and I do not get along to begin with and the heat makes me very sick. So after 4 months of begging everyone I could think of for help I had to make a decision and even though it hurt like hell I packed my bags and came back to my brother's. I will have to be here for at least 4-5 months due to the heat. I am trying to save money and I found out about a program that is suppose to help you get into your own home with low monthly payments and in the end you will own your own home. At this point I will try anything because I do not want to spend another winter in the woods.
    I am so tired of being homeless and I keep telling my husband this but he is not showing any actions to try to find employment on his own. Right now I am taking it one day at a time and trying to find where I fit in. I am really trying to find myself and trying to do what is right for me. I just hope and pray that my husband gets his act together soon.